Code Review Agents: Meet the Sissies 💅
An opinionated, multi-agent code review system — specialized reviewers for accessibility, security, performance, React, TypeScript, and more that quietly raise the bar for frontend teams.
Why Another Code Review System?
Code review is where engineering ideals go to either mature — or rot politely.
Most review tools fail in one of two ways:
- They are too shallow ("LGTM 👍"), or
- They are too noisy, dumping generic lint wisdom with no sense of project context.
The Sissy Squad takes a different route: responsibility is split across specialized, opinionated agents, each with a sharply defined role, shared standards, and zero tolerance for vague feedback.
The Big Idea: Specialized Review Agents
Instead of one omniscient reviewer pretending to be good at everything, the Sissy Squad runs parallel reviewers, each focused on a single dimension of quality.
- accessibility
- security
- performance
- SEO
- styling
- code quality
- React patterns
- TypeScript safety
- git hygiene
- QA & requirements
Each agent:
- Follows a consistent commenting contract with clear severity levels
- Posts actionable, inline review threads directly in your merge requests
- Ends with a summary verdict so you know exactly where you stand
Let’s meet them.
🦯 Colorblind Sissy — Accessibility
Accessibility reviews are usually an afterthought. This agent treats them as blocking engineering requirements.
It covers:
- semantic HTML
- keyboard navigation
- ARIA correctness (and restraint)
- WCAG A / AA compliance
- reduced motion and focus visibility
If something is inaccessible, it’s not "nice to have." It’s a must-fix.
🔒 SecuSissy — Security
This agent assumes attackers are clever, bored, and motivated.
It looks for:
- XSS and unsafe rendering
- leaked secrets
- auth and session mistakes
- insecure client-side logic
- dependency risk
No fear-mongering. Just calm, precise threat modeling.
⚡ TurboSissy — Performance
Performance reviews are about what scales badly before it hurts.
Checks include:
- unnecessary re-renders
- misuse of
useEffect,useMemo,useCallback - data fetching waterfalls
- bundle bloat
- Core Web Vitals impact
If it slows users or burns CPUs quietly, TurboSissy notices.
🌐 Canonical Sissy — SEO
SEO here means technical crawlability, not marketing fluff.
This agent checks:
- server-side rendering of content
- meta tags and canonical URLs
- heading hierarchy
- hidden content
- international & RTL correctness
If Google can’t see it, it doesn’t exist.
🎨 ChicSissy — Styling & Design Systems
This is where design systems stop being optional.
Focus:
- Tailwind discipline
- Component library correctness
- RTL safety (no left/right crimes)
- spacing consistency
- contrast and touch targets
It enforces visual consistency as engineering hygiene, not taste.
🧹 KISS Sissy — Code Quality
Readability is a feature.
This agent hunts:
- bloated functions
- unclear naming
- deep nesting
- DRY violations
- speculative abstractions
If future-you would sigh reading this code, KISS Sissy already did.
⚛️ Hooked Sissy — React
React reviews that actually understand React.
It checks:
- Server vs Client Component boundaries
- hook correctness
- state colocation
- effect misuse
- component responsibility
No cargo-cult patterns. No unnecessary use client.
📝 Unknown Sissy — TypeScript
TypeScript isn’t for vibes.
This agent flags:
any- unsafe assertions
- missing null handling
- sloppy generics
- bad type boundaries
It pushes toward type-driven design, not annotation theater.
📚 Detached-HEAD Sissy — Git & PR Hygiene
This agent lives in your commit history.
It reviews:
- commit messages
- branch naming
- PR size
- missing Jira references
- accidental file changes
Clean history is a long-term asset.
✅ BugSlayer Sissy — QA & Requirements
This agent asks the uncomfortable question:
“Did we actually build what was requested?”
It:
- maps code to Jira issue requirements
- finds edge cases
- generates test checklists
- flags scope creep
Code can be elegant and still wrong. BugSlayer keeps receipts.
🎭 Puppet Master — The Orchestrator
The Puppet Master doesn’t review code. It coordinates everything.
It:
- parses merge request metadata
- runs architecture discovery
- spawns enabled agents
- collects results
- posts the final verdict
Think of it as a conductor, not a judge.
Why This Works
The Sissy Squad succeeds because it is:
- Opinionated — standards are explicit, not guesswork
- Modular — agents can be enabled or disabled per team or project
- Parallel — fast, focused feedback instead of one slow pass
- Context-aware — architecture discovery runs before any review begins
- Actionable — every comment suggests a concrete fix
It doesn’t replace human reviewers. It raises the floor so your team can focus on judgment, architecture, and product thinking — instead of janitorial work.
What You Get
- 10 specialized review agents covering the full frontend quality spectrum
- An orchestrator that intelligently routes reviews based on your codebase
- GitLab integration with inline threads, severity levels, and summary verdicts
- Configurable agent selection — turn on what matters, turn off what doesn’t
- Consistent, teachable standards your team can learn from over time
Closing Thought
Good code review isn’t about catching mistakes. It’s about teaching the codebase how to stay healthy.
The Sissies don’t nag. They document expectations — relentlessly.
And that, quietly, is how teams level up.
Interested in bringing the Sissy Squad to your team? Get in touch.